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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Shits and Giggles' LiveJournal:

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Sunday, June 6th, 2004
11:10 pm
Scatter
There are two things that completely sum up the last 4 nights.....

'Random'

and

'It's all just your imagination.....'

Current Mood: Scattered
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
11:27 pm
2 more sleeps until bathurst.
Still haven't heard from Gavin since Saturday night/Sunday morning.
fuking hungry as.
Aboriginal assignment is boring boring boring. And in attempts to procrastinate allllll day, I cleaned my room for 5 hours. Nice.
And I have still only done half of the assignment. And it's all quotes and crap. It's a case of too much research means too much crap to put into too short an essay. When did I become such a geek?

Maybe I do have A.D.D?

Relationship ADD yes....
but ADD in general....??
Perhaps.

I am bored.

Current Mood: bored
Sunday, May 30th, 2004
11:26 pm
Do we really change?
It happens all the time - you go a while without seeing someone, and then you catch up. You chat, it's all nice and polite, and then they tell you that you have really changed. You presume it's a good thing - when you change, you grow and mature, yes? Year 12 English told us so.

So you begin to think about the last time you saw this person, and think about 'how far' you've come since that meeting. You consider how you've matured, and you really only seem to consider the good changes in your life, the negative changes are put on a backburner in the remotest part of your mind.

Do we really change? If placed in the same situation that you were in 1 year ago, would you do things differently because you 'have changed'? Or would the temptation of reliving memories from that time be too strong. Would it be that the things you thought had changed in your life had simply been pushed into the back of your mind, forgotten. And when faced with them again, will you revert back to the mindset you held in that time?

I think it's a good idea that when something large changes, you have to completely leave that part of your life behind if you wish for it to stay changed. Rather than supressing the memory until confronted with the situation again, I think it's best to remember the situation, but never let it confront you.

I want to redefine my English HSC essay, thankyou very much board of studies....
'Change is not a process. It is not inevitable. Change is not required for growth. In fact, change inevitably will hinder growth. Change isn't what will help you to grow. Elimination is. Change doesn't exist. Change can never exist unless, when faced with a situation similar to that we have experienced, we really do react differently to it. Change is a nice word for supressed memories, events. It's a nice word for people who are too scared to confront their past. Good on you, changers.'

Current Mood: contemplative
Saturday, January 17th, 2004
12:58 pm
Mindless Ramblings
I know I need to write something, but I don't know what.
I'm holding onto something that I don't know, and yet i trust. something i may never see and understand, yet am comforted by it. how is this possible?
the destructions of this life - money, fame, false relationships, greed, vanity, deception, misleading comments, the simplest things - are things we can never escape from.
so why do we try?
what is it that makes us realise that things may be screwed up? and then what is it that makes us want to fix it, or run away?
Or is fixing something and running away from something the exact same thing.....??

Current Mood: blah
Thursday, January 15th, 2004
8:37 pm
You snooze, you lose, Ryan....
Muhahahaha
Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
9:23 pm
Summer Holiday
We met because he spat on me. Well, not intentionally, but I'm very blunt like that. We were sitting in our meeting. It was a hot hot summer's day. He was sitting next to me. He had come in late.

He made a comment, and a small piece of his saliva flew out of his mouth and landed on my skirt. I pointed to it, and told him 'You just spat on me'. He looked remotely embarrassed. Then I explained to him how I always point out obviously embarrassing situations like this, in an attempt to make the situation a little less embarrassing. We had a giggle and he continued talking. And so it began.

We had known each other for a while, but not very well. I saw him playing soccer one night, and I was reminded that I have always been attracted to soccer players. This was a passing thought. And I contemplated no more into it.

A while later we saw each other again. We were talking about my job, and he was telling me how he was unsure about what he wanted to do with his life. He told me he loved sports, and loved working with 'difficult' cases. I told him I would think about what he may be able to do.

So then we went away. A huge group of us, about 30. He was there too. On our first night there, in the circus tent, I tols him my thoughts about what he could do career wise. He was laying on a pillow which at the end of the meeting, ended up in my lap, with his head on it. He asked me if I was comfortable. I told him I was and was obligated to ask the same of him. He replied with 'Hell yeah'. We then parted our ways for the night.

The next day we were to speak again. He was doing a memory verse which corresponded with the talk I was giving the following day. He asked if we could spend some time later on that day and work on it together. I told him we could.

When this time came around, he took me down to the river and we sat on the grass. We finished our work, and than sat and chatted for a while. Then a mutual friend joined us, and so he left, and went back up to the camp. I stayed by the river talking to this friend for a while.

When I came back, I showered and returned to the circus tent. He asked me where I had been after he left the river. I was touched that he had wondered this. We held an event for the children this night, to which I helped him cheat. He asked me at the end of this night who I had a crush on. I didn't tell him. However, he was adamant to know.

The next day I wanted to go shopping. We came along with three others, and we bought a game. When we returned he and I walked down to the river again and played this game. I wanted to go swimming, so i pulled him in with me. We chatted for hours, which resulted in my telling him all my deepest darkest secrets, including the fact that I had developed a crush on him. He responded well to this, telling me he had hoped it were him. We then packed up and returned to camp.

This behaviour continued between us. Come new years eve, I found myself being loved by young children, whom urged me to dance with them for 2 hours straight. He had told me he would ask me to dance this night, but seeing as I had had a lot of attention from the children, I did not think this was going to happen.

Then, when I finally got a break, he came and sat with me and held my hand. One of my friends pulled me away and asked me what I was doing. I explained to him that we were just great mates. He accepted this, and I went back to find him gone.

The second last song of the evening was a slow song. He asked me to dance and we went outside and slow danced under the stars. I pointed out a set of stars for him, and told him these were his. He told me I was the best.

We walked down to the docks, he holding my hand. We sat there and watched the fireworks. When midnight arrived he gave me a long lingering hug, stroking my hair. We walked back to camp hand in hand. We lay on a grassy hill just out of sight of the rest of our camp, and chatted for hours. We finally were made to go to bed.

We woke up the next morning and had an unfortunate vistor. The flirtatious remarks were lingering in our voices, unfortunately they had to be repressed. I could only think of him however.

That night he told me he had feelings for me.

The next morning we played cards, and he lay in my arms. we would talk forehead to forehead, and look into each other's eyes. We decided to go to plasterfun painting and get artistic. Whilst there many children thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and he jokingly proposed. We walked back with our works of art, hand in hand.

I gave my testimony that night, something I would never have been able to do without him. he had given me so much strength, so much confidence in myself, and afterwards he told me how proud of me he was. He recognised that I was very nervous, something none of the others had picked up on. He was beginning to get to know me very very well. He helped me out so much that evening.

But all good things must come to an end. The holiday finished, we hugged and said goodbye. I was unsure about when I would see him again. He asked me if he could come over the following day. I gratefully accepted.

So now I sit here, wondering what I am supposed to do. Wondering what God wants me to do, wondering what he wants me to do. Who knows?




I hate it when you hold my hand
And breath down my throat
This CPR is suffocating

When will you realise
The more you try to keep me alive
The ore I'm dying

In your arms

Your arms that hold me,
Your mouth that smiles
Your fingers that stroke me
Your eyes that stare

Your skin that grazes
Your heart that loves me
Stop holding me close
You're pushing me away

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
9:41 pm
A boyfriend who doesn't want sex is about as useful as a change room in a nudist camp.
Monday, June 23rd, 2003
12:26 am
Errrr, this is a reply to one of Anna's livejournal entries, and seeing as I am fat and lazy, I'll just cut and past it here. For things you may not understand, you way need to refer to Anna's last post www.livejournal.com/users/anniea

Ok, in a further attempt to procrastinate (which is NOT a good thing to be doing less than 12 hours away from your exam, and you've still gotta sleep somewhere) I will reply to your post. I do write in my livejournal, you gay head. Go read it, your mum does.
Ok.... well.... ofcourse Ady thinks I'm a cutie - who doesn't think I'm a cutie! I am the cutest thing since...... well, the last cutest thing! Dur, how can he resist.....
Eh, in reality, self esteem is about 0. It's nice of him to say that. Maybe raises it up by a ttthhhouooouuuussaaaannnndddd (said in matt voice) th of a....well..... of a self esteem. Now I am officially making no sense, which is probably good for my exam tomorrow. Please, make it stop.
Ummmmm....in an attempt to become christian (heh, I know....ME!) I went to church on Friday night with some mates. It was great fun (no, it really was!!!) But this whole christianity thing is kinda scaring me.... My life is permeated with this "sin" business, and I don't know if I would have the self-control to stop. No decisions made as of yet, so we'll see.
Ummm um um....Chris just messaged me. I'm over it, but it was nice to hear from him, shows he still acknowledges me...
ummm ummmm..... ok. I;m gunna stop procrastinating

Looks like in a usual Annalise and I spontaneous style, I am going down to Bathurst today after my exam. Decided at 12:30 am, mum doesn't know, but oh well.

Current Mood: Spontaneous
Thursday, June 19th, 2003
10:18 pm
odd
i just got asked out on a date.
How strange.
I didn't think people still did that these days.
I leave you to guess who.
Though no-one ever will.
Mehehe. I love it.

Current Mood: amused
Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
12:27 am
Goodbye.........
"Shifts and shudders
Mixed with hope and electricity
I landed both feet on the floor
But I got lost in clouds, it's complex
Of the point I wasn't sure
With my pockets full of patience
I waited solely by the door
There were times when I've echoed
In a voice as sad as yours

Somedays I'm alright
But there are weaknesses inside
And conversation slips away
And I am comfortable again

I tried to keep it all about me
But the subject wore too thin
I understand the shifts and shudders
But to be a part of them
One day I'll feel better
One day I'll feel better"

I'm currently talking to Chris. And what I have waited for for about 4 weeks has been a huge let down. I mentioned to Mark on Saturday that Chris is... well... self-centered, and the conversation so far proves it... not one question asked about me... all about him.... for the last hour or so.... and I'm bored.

Now as the majority of you would know, I have anticipated this moment for quite a while, got quite upset and worked up when I hadnt spoken to him. And to be let down in such a way.... well, I feel empty. It's not even like I still have feelings for him, but it doesn't even seem worth still being friends with him. I don't know. Maybe he's changed. Maybe I've changed. Maybe we've both changed and grown apart in like 3 weeks.

Arianna did always say that people from Melbourne were self-centered........

So this is it. My sign to finally let go. He just upsets me. He doesn't care. It seems he never cared. It's time to forget about him. Forget about the morning in the park, the shooting star, the come down party.....

So here i go...

I'm taking the first step and ending this conversation first. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me, seeing as I've been waiting for this convo for weeks, is quite big.

"Ezangel says:
I'm going to bed now Chris.....
Ezangel says:
Goodbye....."

"I am cold and Shivering says:
Goodnight. Sleep comfortably"

So there.
First step taken.
It's done.
I feel... quite upset.
Very sad.
But it seems stupid to keep on going.
We'll see........

The Interpol song - NYC, comes to mind.
"I had seven faces
thought I knew which one to wear.
I'm sick of spending these lonely nights
Training myself not to care....."

But moreso Gersey - "By the way, I've gone today."

Current Mood: crushed
Sunday, June 15th, 2003
7:39 pm
So last night Mark mentioned something along the lines that he thought the aim of life was to make other people happy. Now, I'm not one for selfishness, however I am often a perpetrator of this crime, but this thought had never really had much meaning to me. In quiet retrospective, I think I have felt better with life when I have made another happy, or at least made a difference, and I suppose in a way that's why I'm working as a social educator for mentally retarded people and doing Occupational Therapy at Uni. But the thought of this statement makes me feel guilty - no matter what I do with my life, it's ultimately going to be for myself, to provide for myself and to make me happy. And then I suppose the argument can be brought back to that age old cliche question of:

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

</b>Now, if I didn't have exams the day after tomorrow I would probably attempt to answer this question, but that niggling guilty feeling is pulling at me - study.....study.....

My hunger for a new sound is not subsiding..... I need some new music. Angst-y is a word Arianna would use for what I am looking for, and I don't care about the stimga that is placed upon some bands, I just need a new sound. It actually makes my mouth water to consider what I could be listening to. But the dark, long road towards this sound seems bleak.

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, April 14th, 2003
10:01 pm
The nights are getting darker much quicker these days. And I can't decide whether it's because daylight saving has ended, or because everyone is leaving.

The need to walk became overwhelming this afternoon. I took my usual track, and then some. And then when I got home, I felt the need to walk further. Is this the calling I need, telling me I need to escape? Escape home? Escape being alone? Escape the entrapment that is my current life?
Monday, October 21st, 2002
3:08 pm
Why'd You Have to Go and Make Things So Complicated?
This was actually written on Wedneday 16/10/2002

So what a strange couple of days I have had. I have had to deal with things I really didn’t want to have to deal with just yet, and done things of which I am annoyed and agitated at myself for. Let me start at the beginning.

So as all my livejournal junkies know, I was with Lee on Friday night, and we came to an agreement to be casual partners – now, you know my theory on casual relationships, they don’t work! There is ALWAYS some attachment, and obviously with Lee and I, the attachment factor would lay with me.

And so I was talking to Andrew whilst being with Lee on Friday night. I woke up in the morning thinking about Lee, but thinking about Andrew even more. And that was when it hit me. I like Andrew. I had actually fallen for him. (sorry anna)

Well, this came as quite a shock, as I swore I was never going to fall for anyone ever again, or want another boyfriend, because they were only trouble, and I was enjoying my single life so fucking much. I mean, this was the reason I didn’t want Lee in that way, right?

So when I realised I had fallen for Andrew, all shit broke loose in my head. How had I let this happen? How come I only realized this now? I mean, it was only a matter of weeks ago that I was saying to Ari how I should like this guy, because we had uncanny amounts of things similar between us. And now it had happened.

But it was inevitable, I have learnt a lot about myself over these last few weeks without Matt. I had learnt what I want from a man, and that I wasn’t going to settle for second best. I basically concocted a set a rules that the man would have to encompass – similar to same taste in music being the main one, someone who’s not afraid to go out and have a good time, someone whom I could be completely honest with, and who would be the same with me, and last, but most importantly, someone who I could talk to. And not just speak with, actually talk to, about any subject, about things that matter, and talk for hours with.

So, on Saturday when I was at Blockbuster, and Andrew was there, all I wanted was for him to take me in his arms and give me a great big hug, and tell me everything was going to be ok.

On Sunday night Andrew called me, and we spoke for close to four hours about a lot of things, his ex, my ex, and all that sort of thing. Completely honest conversation, and we didn’t hold anything back.

And then on Monday night it all came out. After a long conversation on the internet, avoiding the issue, I admitted to him that I was really quite annoyed at myself, as I had done something I swore to myself I wouldn’t do. After being questioned as to what this was, I admitted to him I had fallen for “this guy, whom I haven’t told you about yet” and I had sworn to myself I wasn’t going to fall for anyone again.

And so the conversation continued, without him asking who. Then, when we were going to depart, Andrew says: “Listen, I’m going out on a limp here” to which I replied “limb”. Anyway, he says “I think you like me.”

Me, being to sophisticated person I am, didn’t buckle under the pressure he placed on me, and replied with “Wow, you’re quite full of yourself, aren’t you?” He asks me if it is true, however, and I reply with “yes”.

My mother, being the dragon lady she can be when tired, then orders me to get offline, and we continue the conversation in sms. He tells me that “No normal person goes to the video shop three times in one day” and so obviously he likes me. And I just thought he liked videos!

So the boy tells me he was going to wait until after the HSC for anything to eventuate. Now why is it that everyone feels they need to “wait until after the HSC” to do things? Is the HSC really this huge deadline for life, and after we step over that line, we can do anything? For those of you answering yes to this question – you are a nerd.

So we come to an agreement to wait to take things further until after the HSC. This HSC thing will ruin my life.

It was then that I realized I had a few uncompleted things that needed to be attended to before this thing between Andrew and I could occur.

So on Tuesday night I was, ofcourse, working. And as Brendan did a “no-show”, I called Jaz in to work with me. We chatted about a lot of things, and I am really glad she was there to help me deal with this night. Arianna was also there, even though she is supposed to be on holidays, and thankgod she was there too.

So we sit down to watch the Arias, and had a lot of fun. Andrew and Terry come in, and we all sit down to watch the TV and do no work. Whilst eating dinner on the ground with Jaz behind the counter, someone comes in and starts talking to Terry. Jaz turns to me and says “shit”. I thought she was saying shit because we had a customer who needed to be served, and her and I were eating and couldn’t serve them. So I grudgingly stand up to serve this elusive customer, only to find not just any customer standing there, but, looking as good as ever, Lee. Fuck. Arianna smirks, and comments that “I’m glad I stuck around.” – bitch. J

I wasn’t ready to deal with Lee right at that moment, but I knew what had to be done. I wasn’t ready to let go of him just yet, he smelt so good, and all the times between us came flooding back when I smelt that aftershave of his. I knew what had to be done though.

So we walk outside to talk, and Lee asks how Friday night was after he left etc etc etc. He says he had fun that night, and that if Stacey’s rents weren’t there, a lot more would have happened between us. I slowly nod my head, and he questions me as to what was wrong. I tell him I’m glad nothing happened, because I wasn’t sure if anything could happen anymore. Lee asks if I had met someone else, and I told him the truth, that I had tried so hard not to fall for anyone, but I had. He says it is all cool, we are just good friends. I tell him no matter what happens, in the end, we are still going to see each other at the workers, and if worse comes to worse we might take up that offer again.

I really wasn’t ready to let go of him yet, but I knew I had to. He didn’t want anything other than something physical, and I would only have gotten hurt in this kind of relationship. I also had fallen for Andrew, and liked him a lot, but it was still hard saying no to Lee. I had only ever done that once before, and had Andrew not come along, I probably would never have said no to Lee again.

So I give Lee a farewell hug, and cant help but feel that maybe things might’ve one day turned out different between Lee and I. I walk back into Blockbuster, sit on the ground, put my head in my hands and take a big sigh. Jaz comes and give me a kiss, and I don’t really think Andrew knew what was going on (Andrew knew all about my last few weeks, he just didn’t realise it was the last few weeks, he thought it was over a couple of months). Terry asks me what Lee’s name is, because he couldn’t remember, and I sigh and say Lee, and remind Terry of what Lee and I had been up to over the last few weeks, as Terry knew the story also.

So I walk out the back to count the till and Andrew comes, and says “So that’s Lee?” We talk about it for a bit, and I reassure him that everything is cool now, and that Lee knows what is going on.

So after work Arianna, Terry, Andrew and I all go down to the Workers for a drink, and who do we run into, just to make the night that little bit more weird? Lauren – Andrew’s ex girlfriend, whom I am not sure he is completely over, but he swears he is. She is there with another man.

And so it was a strange night. Andrew messages me and assures me everything is cool with Lauren and he, and everything is even cooler between he and I. Scott E also sms’s me that night, just to make it even weirder.

So come Wednesday, I swear I will study heaps. Jaz calls me when I wake up (at 1) and we hang out up at Menai. We talk about many things, and basically have a good, relaxing day. That night Andrew calls me, and we talk for another four and a half hours, something I haven’t experienced in a long time. He tells me that Lauren called him that day and was very inquisitive with who I was, and who I was regarding Andrew’s life. Again, he assures me he is over the girl, and that he has got something bigillion times better.

Now, I cant agree with that! The girl was a stunner – long blonde hair, thin, nice body, how can I possibly compare to something of this level? I know I am no HotChick, and when I compare myself to a being such as herself, my self esteem is momentarily crippled! What to do!?

So we hang up, and the darling boy sms’s me. He asks where we stand, what are we, are we going to go on a “date” after the HSC, and other various questions. We talk of how we are already incredibly comfortable in each other’s presence, and he says he wouldn’t mind just sliding into it. The relationship, that is…… I tell him it is not fair to ask him to wait until after the HSC for me, and he says I is worth waiting for. Nice…

I still think of Lee, however, what might’ve been, but more than likely what probably wouldn’t have been. The guy didn’t want me for anything else than sex, and me, wanting the attention and close-ness, would have given it to him, probably without any thought of the consequences. I’m glad I didn’t, but I still wonder…

However, being with Lee would probably just have been like being with Matt all over again. Lee and I really didn’t have all that much in common, and couldn’t really talk about all that much. He’s a nice guy, but I just seem to connect to Andrew on a different level than to anyone else for a very long time.

My thought for the last few days:
It’s always when you least expect it, and even when you least want it, that a really great guy comes along. You always hope that when you go out, clubbing or what not, you might meet that guy, and when you want a guy to come along, he never does. It’s always when you are not looking, that they sneak in over the fence, climb through the hedges and cross into unauthorized property… You know where I mean.

Current Mood: rushed
Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
8:37 pm
Wonderland is Fucked.
So after coming home from Stacey's after her party, I prepare for a fun night at Wonderland for Michelle's 18th. Things go fine on the drive out, and amazingly we dont get lost - even with me driving, KC navigating and Stacey spilling Sweet and Sour Sauce EVERYWHERE .... even on the steering wheel...??? she also got it all over herself.... heh....

So we arrive at Wonderland and I light up, and Michelle's army mate asks me for a durree. So we introduce ourselves and then Michelle pulls me away and tells me she forbids me to hook up with this boy, and he is only 16. For God's sake! I'd only introduced myself and given him a durree!

And so this got me thinking. B4 I broke up with Matt, I didn't really go out with the EHGTHS girls. And now that I HAVE broken up with him, we are going out a lot. And I am getting with quite a few various guys. So these people who dont know me all that well must wonder what my intentions are everytime I meet a guy. Do I really come across as a slut? Or a TART, as Jessica from Blockbuster pleasantly put it? Can I blame it on trying to make up for lost time? I'm just trying to enjoy my youth b4 I get too old!

So anyway, we manage to ride four rides in four hour, due to lines and rollercoasters getting stuck with people in them. We have an incredibly tired drive home, with a stop at Guildford Maccas to have a coffee and sum icecream. This stop involved driving into Guildford Maccas, and their security guard stopping to look at us, and wave us past. We then continue on to see the car park full of lebanese boys with sik cars, that r fully lowered and have 4 exhaust pipes, and their children running around in the playground.

So I drop KC and Stace home, and am fully prepared to go home and sleep, when BAMMMMM the coffee hits me. So I go to Blockbuster and hang out with Ari 4 a while. Andrew, Kerrin and Pam come up, and me and Andrew and Ari hang out till 1.30 at BB. Yay, cool.

And so yesterday I studied (huh, yeh rite) and Andrew called me in the night at 11, and we chatted till about 2.45 in the morning. So, this night I learn my theory about his being a virgin was greatly mistaken, and that he had slept with 10 girls. He says I have plenty of time to catch up to him when I admit I had only slept with 2, as he is 21 and I am only 18. So I do the maths, and realise that he went out with a girl for 3 years, and broke up with her earlier this year, and he didn't cheat on her, and hasn't been with anyone else since.... and I realised he had been with 9 girls by the time he was my age. Boy, was I mistaken.....

So the last few days haven't really been all that exciting. Study is still not eventuating. Motivation is still stuck up someone else's arse.

And so my tip for today is:
Always carry a condom in your wallet, because it's always better to be safe than sorry. Always carry TWO around, because it's always better to have fun than be disappointed...

My thought for yesterday was:
Why do people put themselves in compromising positions solely for a thrill, for the adrenalin? I mean, rollercoasters, unprotected sex and fast driving, it's all the same. Why can't we get the same thrill from having a cup of tea and watching the nightly news - and seeing bombing and car chases. Are we really that stupid?

My thought for today is:
First impressions count, but are almost never true. Perceptions people omit are often a cover, or a mistake caused by our own naivety. Our first impressions cause our judgements, and often the depth of friendship with a person, and they are almost always wrong. If we ignored first impressions, would the world be a better place?

Current Mood: horny
Sunday, October 13th, 2002
1:33 am
DeJaVu
Another day, another man.

So yesterday I was awoken by a guy who had come to my place in order to spray for bugs. Now, I know what you are thinking (NO HING!) right now - dont tell me she got with the bug man??

Well, no matter what you people may think, I do have standards, ok? Rhys was just a slip up of these standards. We all have these some times. But, alas, this time I did not. He was 40, and incredibly contemptable due to the fact that he alerted me that I may want to "Move the Funnel Web Spider outside your bedroom door" as "you dont want to leave these things lying around'. After alarming me to extremes never reached before, he broke down laughing at your's truely. Loser.

So then my tutor came again, and this was the day I discovered he has a farting problem. That's probably because he consumed too much curry, but who am I to judge?

And so he leaves and Andrew calls me and we chat for a while, and we argue over whether or not I should curl my hair for Stacey's 18th that night. No conclusion is reached on that one. So we organise to go down to the Workers for an hour before Stacey's, in order for me to kick his arse in pool.

So I run up to Menai to buy my alcohol and a present for Michelle, and run into Steven Campbell, of whom I also saw the night b4 up at Bangor, and of whom I hadn't seen b4 that for years (he is a primary school boy btw). Him and his mates have a trolley of beer, and look set for a good night. Hing spots me, and the jealousy from hing becomes obvious that I was talking to other guys, and he threatens them (after they had left - my hero......). And so I get caught again in a convo with Dave and Hing and Jo about what's been going on and the like. At this stage I realise I am running half an hour behind schedule.

So I call Andrew when I get back home and tell him we have to take a raincheck (hmmmm maybe tonight was the night of the rainchecks?). Andrew replies with "It's alright, if it was anyone else I wouldn't've let them fuck me over, but seeing as it's you, that's aiight then." Nice.

So I turn up to Stace's 30 minutes early due to lack of Workersism. We stand around and chat, and everyone arrives. By this stage Lee has not arrived, and I was prepared for a terrible night, because I knew it would be spent wanting and pining over the boy.

So he finally arrives, and walks over a gives me a kiss on the cheek. And in that instant, it seems that the whole world is going to be ok, that me and Lee will still be friends, and that I could probably get over him. Heh.

So Lee comes up to me a little later on in the garage, and alerts me that "Just because we're only friends doesn't mean we cant still kiss." SCORE! But, we dont get with each other.

Yet.

And so everyone has a bit of a drink, and Lee and i get talking. We talk about a lot of things, and a lot of those things I cant particularly remember, only the things that were caught on tape, and that mainly consisted of "Erin, I want to take you up against a wall right now" and "ohmigod, I have a boner (of which Matt and I continued to poke...hmmmm bloody video cameras)".

And so it happens again, Lee and i get with each other, and spend a good part of the night together, talking things over, and seeing what will happen. A casual relationship, but again my theory comes true, a casual relationship is never casual, because one person is always attached. I am the one sort of attached. Hmmm. I can see this is going to end in tears.

Eh.

And so at about 3.30am everyone leaves, and KC and Stacey and I watch the video of the night, and the video from KC's party too, which was incredibly funny.

So, my wise words of the week are:
Never EVER wear a G-string to a party without taking a spare pair of underwear. Chances are you'll end up sleeping at the party because you mum is too sick to pick you up - and then you'll have a very uncomfortable night's sleep. Yes.

And my thought for the night was:
Can things that happen whilst under the influence be blamed on the alcohol. Personally, I know, understand, and realise all things I am doing, even after 9 drinks. So how is it that people can blame cheating or things such as this, on alcohol? To me alcohol excuses constitute a person who is not willing to own up to something, which constitutes a weak person. Hmmmm, we'll forget about Rhys now, ok?

My thought for the morning was:
If you are going to make out with a guy, put him up against the wall, or else chances are you'll wake up with spider's web all through your hair.

And my words of advice for parties are:
Dont drink alcohol - or at least dont drop it on your shoes - you'll wake up with your white Pierre Cardin's almost black...

That's tops.... yet again.

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY STACEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: Spider Web-ee
Thursday, October 10th, 2002
11:48 am
New groupie syndrome - 1000 Slimey Things and Peabody - YEAH!
So today was a lot of fun, and the study still hasn't occurred. Where does everyone find this strange, unreal motivation from? Where can I buy me some?

So I msg Ari this morn, and we decide to go for a road trip out to UWS Macarthur in order to go see Peabody. I lie to my father and inform him I am visiting Mariam for the day to study and stuff. Lucky for me Mariam lives at Wattle Grove, because as driving through Liverpool my father drives past and sees me.

Arianna and i visit Subway and, being the fatshits that we are, stock up on cookies and sub. And so we hit the highway (after a bit of a detour in order to get lost) and we find some sexy guys driving in a car next to us with drums in the back, guitar on one of their laps and drum sticks in the passenger's hands. SCORE. Arianna gets a foto of them in the next car.

So we arrive at the gig, only to be given vouchers for free alcohol. YEAH! After waiting an hour because Peabody was late, we wander in and listen to the support act - 1000 Slimey Things, play. I eye off the guitarist, thinking I wouldn't mind a piece of him. Mmmmm groupie.

And so after the support band finish, I exit the building in order to have a cigarette, and whilst standing looking sexy, the guitarists approaches me. I was thinking he was coming over to tell me there was no smoking on uni premises, to which i would have told him to fuck off, and yet he holds out a two dollar coin and asks if he can have two cigarettes. I oblige, and i dont take his money, and we get chatting.

And then Peabody come on, and they were so fucking awsome. in the middle of their set Mr Guitarist asks me if i'd like a drink. My god, 2 weeks ago i had never ever been bought a drink b4, and in the past 2 weeks I have been inundated with them!

And so Peabody's set concludes, and we chat to them for a while, and I discover the Drummer from Peabody, the drummer and bassist from 1000 Slimey Things are SHIRE BOYZ!! Score.

And so Arianna and I grudgingly leave the gig, and drive to the petrol station in order to get petrol on my daddy;s account. At the Petrol station there is another incredibly hot guy, and then again when we went to Blockbuster there were hot guys as well.

And so the moral of this story is: dont assume you know everything. When MR Guitar asked me if I came from that area, I replied with fuck, no way. Later on in conversation he informed me most of his family come from "out this way". Dont put your foot in it.

And my thought for today is:
What is it that constitutes a groupie? Is it the fact that you hang around places or people incessantly? But does this groupie status change once people realise you actually enjoy the music, and are not only there to get into the lead singer's pants? Do people automatically assume you are a groupie if you go to many gigs? I think we need to define different categories of groupies - groupies to the different extremes, so that next time Arianna and I go to a 1000 Slimey Things gig or Peabody gig, we wont appear to be groupies. Obviously Andrew and Larry should be categorised into the Category A of groupitisism - stalkation.

Current Mood: Grouped
Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
11:51 am
And the Groupie Syndrome continues....
So today was bound to be endless fun. I woke up with the day consisting of study and tutoring.... and that was all. Little did I know what was in store.

And so my tutorer came over, meaning to be there for two hours, and I got incredibly bored, chucked a sickie and made him leave after an hour, to which he replied
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Now you see, I pity people like this. In their mornings they wake up and think "Should I get out of bed this morning?" - as we all do. And their answer is "Yes! I get to do maths all day! I'm going to have a rad day!" This attitude of the intellectual among us is one to be pitied. I have decided to form a support group for these people called Losers Anonymous and Annalise is my first member.

And so I call Blockbuster, to find out the goss, and Annalise convinces me to come visit - for half an hour. So I go, and yet again they are playing that blasted Nintendo. So I sit down for a game. After about an hour and a half Arianna and I decide to leave, for me to drop Arianna home, and for myself to come home and study. Little did we realise what lay ahead.

Arianna decides she needs DrumMedia, so we drop by the 'ol Revesby Workers to pick it up. In order for me to leave the car park, I decides we had to drive around it five times, just to see if anyone was there that we knew.

This was the night we found out that we dont really HAVE all that many friends.... that hang at the Workers I mean!!!!

And so we decide to take the scenic route home to Picnic Point and drive past Andrew's house. We found he wasn't out the front of his house, and decide to visit Stacey. Whilst driving around the Revesby OTHER Workers, I call her, and run my petrol down due to five mintues of doing circles in the carpark. We found that this was incredibly amusing (ok, Arianna didn't, she felt dizzy) and decided it would be funny to do it down at Revesby RSL also. However here we found there were too many cars parked and too many young children around, and so we drove past Andrew's house yet again, and he still wasnt out the front, and go BACK to the OTHER Workers and do more circles (the other way so that Arianna becomes un-dizzy). We then exit out the in hole, and drive past Andrew's house one more time. This time we stop and call him, and have a good 'ol chat to his father. Andrew is not home - as he is out with Larry.

So we call Larry, and they are at the gym. So we drive to the gym - although Arianna may not call what I do driving as such - but more maniacidal moving. So on the way to the gym at Milperra we become lost, and ask a nice, fat, big Greek man in a shop in Milperra where the gym is. Rather than telling us, he invites us back to his gym at his house. We grudgingly decline.

So we quickly and dangerously make our way to that gym, and meet Larry there, who tells us if we wait 30 minutes they can come and hang out with us. We, being the desperate ladies that we are, decide to wait.

So we go for a drive around Milperra, and go to visit KC, who is unfortunately not home. And so we go and visit the big fat Greek again, and again, and once more for good luck. We drive past Jess from blockbuster's house, but she informs us she is at work, at KFC at Bankstown Airport. So we, being the fatshits that we are, go there to wait for da boyz.

And we wait, and eat, and drink (way too much). The boyz come and we hang out for a couple of hours. We then decide to go down to Blockbuster to get sum movies, and to visit Anna and Brendan again. This time Arianna goes with Larry, and Andrew has the pleasure of riding me - I mean riding WITH me!!! He holds on for dear life, and kisses the ground when exiting the car at Blockbuster. I am not really that bad a driver....

and so we hang at blockbuster for like another 3 hours, and the groupie syndrome continues. we sit in our cars with our music up loud as if we were lebs, and Ari and I play air guitar....whilst looking like dickheads. The night finally concludes with Andrew yet again getting my number, and me deciding Andrew is not over his ex-girlfriend.

You see, he talks about her quite a bit, and I thought this was normal - I still speak of Matt on the odd occasion. I mean, the boy was with her for 3 years (which damages my thoughts that he could possibly have been a virgin - hang on, did I say that out loud???) so it's only natural that he would have many the story with or about her, right? But then, whilst searching through his phone, I see she is under AThe Beautiful One (to which I said "awww ur sweet, u've already got me in your phone"). The man tried to rectify the situation by saying that that was what his mates used to call her because he treated her like a princess, but I am no fool.

And so Larry and I drag race home, and I drop Ari off.

And so my thought(s) for today is:

Hickies are overrated. If you get a hicky from someone, what does it mean? Does it mean they want you, or possibly believe they own you? Or does it simply mean the person was never breast fed as a child, and are deprived of sucking? Either way, a vacuum can leave a much better mark than a human suck, and then what does that prove? That an electrical appliance wants you, or owns you? Hickies are to people as brandings are to cows.....

Current Mood: suck-deprived
Tuesday, October 8th, 2002
1:29 pm
The beginning of the Groupie Syndrome
An enjoyable, and yet uneventful day has just passed. And to reflect on this is probably a waste of your and my time, but we'll do it anyway.

So I was working at the ever enjoyable Blockbuster yet again with Arianna for the first half and Gemma for the second half. Arianna had not only failed to put the Nintendo 64 console away after discovering it yesterday, but her and Andrew were playing it when I walked in. Ah, the ever good image Blockbuster employees project.

So Andrew was there - yet again - after coming in to Blockbuster twice yesterday. He's a nice guy. No, Ari, give it up.

So the earlier part of the day was spent doing returns that Arianna had failed to attempt due to more important and pressing Blockbuster issues (ie, playing Nintendo), and then myself dabling in a bit of the 'ol Mario Kart (in which I came first)

So Andrew left, and Gemma came, and we settled down for a night of being fatshits and doing little work. Stuck with overdue calls for the night - I begin my work, and was involved in many amusing conversations with children answering my call.

And then Andrew comes in - AGAIN. He sticks around for a bit, seemingly not there for anything in particular, although he seemed to be trying to make it clear that he was "only there to see Arianna to try and get a job". Did that require an hour visit after he realised she wasnt there? I don't know. And so I begin to realise Andrew is becoming a Blockbuster Groupie. Little did I know this syndrome was contagious.

And so he leaves again, and Gemma and I continue to be fatshits, play Nintendo and complete overdue calls. And then Andrew AND Terry (Larry) come in AGAIN. This time they decide not to leave, and hang around until after close. Andrew invites me down to the Workers for a game of pool with them, and I grudgingly accept (due to Arianna threatening to kill me if I dont go). And so we go down there to find that the Sports bar is closed. And so what do we do? Sit in the gutter for 2 hour like the gutter whores that we are. We chat, and then Larry decides it would be funny if he tried to set myself and Andrew up (why does everyone try to do this) and tries to convince me to take him to my formal.

After a while of this, Andrew then decides he wants to come to my formal, and begin the Daniel nagging (Daniel Fuente nagged me for ages the other night, begging me to take him to my formal). During this time Andrew's head grew too big to get back into the car, with all the "Look, there's no-one better than Andrew"'s from Larry, and the "I'll wear a suit and look hot"'s from Andrew. And so due to Andrew's enlarged head, we sat out the front of Revesby Workers until 1.15am. Sad, I know.

And yet, the list of things Andrew and I have in common grow - can you believe he likes Ratcat? And of all songs - DONT GO NOW!!!!!!!!!!

And so - Arianna will be happy about this - the night concluded on the note that Andrew got my number, Larry concluding me and Andrew had soooooo much in common, and me feeling incredibly guilty about getting home so late.

And so the thought for today is:
Why is it that when you meet someone you can talk to easily, and get along with well, and have a lot in common with, that everyone thinks you should go out? What is wrong with being friends with this person instead?

And why is it casual relationships cant ever be casual, because in order to have a relationship there needs to be some sort of attachment?


And so the Blockbuster Groupie Syndrome continues to be contagious. Beware people.... it might hit you next. My rule - dont share drinks, lollypops or boyfriends.... you can catch this disease anywhere.

Current Mood: hungry
Monday, October 7th, 2002
11:03 am
Confessions of a Manic-Depressant
Me? Manicly depressed? and what the fuck does that mean anyway. Manicly depressed my arse! It is not funny he was skitzo. Though you laugh. But you are you, and I am not one to change that about you.

4 guys in 2 weeks. Hmmmm. Normally these kinds of records would make the worse of the best of us - that being Annalise - happy. And yet, there is something wrong. Until I dig my naive mind out of the gutter, and my heart out of my head, then we will never know.

So, being inspired by Hing's lovely website - and might I say I am not happy about being discarded into the *female not listed* section. I mean come on - me and hing! we go way back.... way bak to.... well... just way bak, ok. We r secretly lovers, and he's my bitch. Just dont tell him I said that - he might kill me.

So Hing does seem to have this sick obsessive compulsive disorder of wanting to tell people to "suck a dick" (as Matt would say). When offloaded with my woefully romantic unrequited love stories of Lee, Hing replies with:
"you were supposed to tell him to eat a dick, shutup and die.. "

Ahhh my dear, ever insightful Hing.

Talking of insightful, Arianna's insights into Andrew may one day be unavoidably true. Who would have thought? The boy next door....(to Bree that is). So the positive signs in this one? He came and hung out with us for 5 hours last night, and then again today for 4 hours. And he came to pick up something off me which i had mentioned i needed to be taken to Miranda.... he was gunna drive to miranda 4 me, when he lives at Panania.

But alas, how can I be one to judge positive signs. To think - I thought Lee visiting me twice a day at Blockbuster, inviting me out with his friends, inviting me to sleep over was a POSITIVE thing. Well, moral of this story of rejected lust is....dont ever think positive. NOW I am thinking like Hing!

I feel compelled to read a dictionary.... just a thought. Maybe someone whould shoot me before i slip further into this life I call mine. Moral of this story - dont have a life.

And on that note I confess everything. Dont have a life because it will propell you into an existance you dont desire....or else propell you to get with a guy you dont desire. That's right girls, it finally happened. Ever since that night at the fireworks Bree had thought it true. According to him it's been inevitable since my second shift working with him at Hungry Jacks. Yes, that's right, I got with Rhys. Now for those of you who know him, please dont kill me (Arianna has first dibs). What was I to do? he took advantage of me, as i was unindated with drinks bought for me by himself. How was I to know he hadn't slipped some sort of mind altering substance into that non-mind altering alcohol? Moral of THIS story - drink so much that you cant EVER REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED - WITHOUT MEMORY, THERE ARE NO REGRETS. So everyone should go get fucking fucked. And this, you see, is the new attitude of slut-fest Erin.

But contrary to the above, I am no slut. I am simply enjoying what some prefer to call single life but what i prefer to call the Annalise syndrome. Annalise says:

"Why is it that when Erin gets with a guy, she goes out with him for a year, and when I get with a guy, he never wants to see me again?"

To which my mother replied "Maybe she's a bad kisser..??"

So I am living the life of Anna (to my fullest ability, no-one can quite be Anna, I can not compress so much energy, life or alcohol into my body - although over the last 2 weeks I had tried).

So now that I have completed my rant and rave that achieved nothing other than drawing a tangent, I will, in chronological and logical order, piece together my life in the last two weeks, for those of you who just aren't me.

3 Fridays ago
Wow, it finally happened. I got that boy that i had written about in my previous entry. In fact, not only did I get him, but I also got WITH him. Yes, there you have it, I got with Scott Edwards. Me, being the brutally, yet sometimes painfully honest person I have turned into since having Matt dump me, I told him from the beginning it could only be casual, because I was simply not ready for commitment again. I also threw in a few hints about wanting to do what ever I wanted, when ever I wanted, and I think he understand this hint. He did not, however, take it, hook, line and sinker. I declared no attachment. He ignored this fact.

So, on the same night, I drink a lot, and get with Chris - 24 year old boy from out west - at Maree's "Ohmigod we're gunna die or get mugged" party. Thanks for that goes to Jess for driving (like a lunatic... but who I am to complain about a ride when I am drunk). So I leave Chris at the party and leave with my women to hopefully go to the workers. And yet somehow we ended up at Revesby McDonalds, where Darling, wonderful beautiful Carissa Bolten happened to be working. After some rather alarming comments, those of which I did not mean to actually form into words and speak out loud, we left, still drunk, but full.

So we arrive back at Stacey's and darling wonderful Kasey's Matt picks us up - because he is darling and wonderful (and so much Kasey's bitch!) So I tried for the hatric, but alas, it did not happen. My work of art of the Workers Sign In slip encompasses the alcohol consumed on this particular night.

Then, 2 Friday nights ago, at Kasey's wonderfully delighting and enjoyable party, I got with Lee. He was a hottie, to put it simply, and who could resist!? (Actually, I could resist, and I did! I resisted all approaches of his to "find somewhere more private" and "no-one will see us"). And so more alcohol was consumed on this night, but I consider KC the hero of the night... I will never lose the images of her sitting on the ground, looking as if she were passed out with one bottle of orange cruiser in each hand.

And so Lee decides he wants to see me often, and I am told, and begin to believe he is "fully keen". Now me, being the skeptic I am, believed it not possible that a reasonable looking guy could be interested in me, and Lee wasn't even reasonable - he was fucking HOT. And so I stayed back, played along, and didn't get attached. Until finally he leads me to believe that maybe he might actually be interested - talk of getting to know hiw friends better and other such things as these. So youre truly gets a little attached. I tell Scott Edwards it's all over, and that it cant happen between us anymore because I had met someone else.

And so the next day Lee and I have sex.

Hahahaha sorry, that was only for shock value - it is not true whatsoever (nah...I swear...it's really not!)

But really... the next day Lee comes to visit me and declares he is not ready for a relationship, just came out of a three year blahblah blah, still friends, still msg...blah blah blah.

And so I hold my composure, smile at him with relief and say I was so glad he said that, because I felt the same way. And at the time I actually believed I did feel the same way.

I wasn't until that night when he walked away that I realised I had gotten a little attached, but I was more disappointed than heart broken.

So the next Friday night I seek my revenge. And yet, my revenge was a poor substitute for the thing that I truly desired. After having many a drink bout for me by none other than Rhys, at the Workers, I proceed to get with him, in a desperate grab for some kind of sanity amongst an insane night. And yet this only caused the night to fall further into the depths of insanity. So I here list the reasons why I got with Rhys:

1. Isn't it obvious? I wanted Lee so badly that night (as he was there), and I couldnt have him. Hence the poor substitute for what I truly desired)
2. Actually.... I cant think of any other reason.... can you blame it on being drunk?

So good nights were had by everyone other than me.

And then at 3 in the morning I sent a msg to Lee, asking him how his night was. He ingored this sms.

Am I not desirable??????
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?

Anyways....

Again at 3 that night Chris, from Maree's party calls me, and we have a good ol chat. A nice boy - I dont mind the odd chat with him, the conversation is good, and so is his general music taste.

And so over the next 2 days I grow deeper into a rut, thinking about Lee, and how stupid I was. And then I sms him - one last time until I swear I will never annoy him again - and he replies. And in that one reply, i get closure. And now I am happy! Hence - manic depressant...???

And then again tonight, I receive a sms from none other than Scott Edwards, and he asks me to attend a movie marathon with him. He has forgiven me he says.

And Andrew came in and saw me for hours today. Man, I have had the BEST two weeks of my entire life.

Special Thanks must go to:

KC: for holding parties, going to Workers, introducing me to Lee, allowing me to sleep over, and for most of all driving me to my brother's house after the workers last friday night - i owe you a designated dickhead run. None of this would have been possible without you. And yet, I am worried you will turn into a gambler.

Stacey W: For Workers, the D&M's, the visits, the sleeping overs and everything else.

Amy H, Jess, Karen, Lauren and Amy O for being my Workers buddies, and for putting up with my incessant Drunkedness. Specially to Jess - for the lift to and from Marees.

I hope I haven't forgotten anyone. I love you all. And I apologise for the blatently truthful things I declare when I become drunk.....

Oh, and Stacey Kelleher: my new found friend of fat lazee nights, boy troubles and putting up with my mood swings of best week ever to i wanna die to lets eat icecream.

Man, That's Tops.

Current Mood: content
Thursday, August 15th, 2002
11:42 pm
Why is it that people always want what they cant have?

But an even bigger problem is: what if you can have it now?

What if, after all this time, you can finally have the thing you have always wanted, always imagined, always lusted for....

And what if that thought scares the shit out of you?

What if that thing has hurt you in the past, hurt you dearly...?

Do you go for it?

Or forget it?

Or just let time take it's toll?

What if that thing is gone soon?

Far away.... and you can only possibly see this thing maybe 3 times a year.

What then?

Do you let go?

Or hold on?

Do you stick to what you know is true?

Or take a chance on something that won't be around for long?



Damnit, why is it that we want what we can't have, but why is it as soon as we don't want it, we CAN have it.

Damn you.

Current Mood: contemplative
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